Trust that a casual tryst will not threaten your love.
Trust that a new partner is truly an addition and not a replacement.
Whether you yourself are new to non-monogamous relationships, getting involved with someone who is new, or just ready for a refresher course, here are seven common myths about non-monogamous relationships and the facts that disprove them.
It may feel like a more natural state of being, but nevertheless, as with all interpersonal relationships, hard work is not only expected but required. Example: I dated a man who was monogamous by nature, and was so with me, but was comfortable with my having a girlfriend in addition to our relationship, even though my relationship with her did not involve him [read: no threesomes.] On the other hand, perhaps the parties involved will form a compromise that looks more like one partner converting over to the other’s way of being.That, or you’re in serious denial about your emotions. People who practice non-monogamy are more than aware of the existence of jealousy, and more than capable of experiencing it themselves.Rather than the absence of jealousy, non-monogamy relies on an acceptance of jealousy, with the ultimate goal of acknowledging it, unlearning it, and replacing it with compersion - a feeling of happiness in one’s self derived from the happiness of another. Jealousy, while it can be worked with and talked through, is a natural emotion that even those of us who choose to take a non-traditional path still experience. Especially when you’ve grown up in a society that equates love to possession, the work of dealing with jealousy is not easy.But scheduling is not even the most intense challenge that people who chose to practice non-monogamy find themselves faced with.The biggest challenge non-monogamous folks face is rather monstrous, in fact. Jealousy Some may think that if you choose to be non-monogamous, it must mean you don’t get jealous.You won’t love or sleep with anyone else, and neither will I. Once possession is removed, the love between two or more people is no longer defined by what they will not do with others, but by what they actually feel and have together.You are not being asked simply to trust that your partner will obey your mutually established rules, but instead to trust in your mutually established love.If you’re thinking about being non-monogamous, or you already are, you may worry that your dating pool has shrunken significantly as you can now only date other non-monogamous folks. Perhaps a non-monogamous partner will attempt monogamy, or something monogamish, with wiggle room for the occasional flirt, swingers party, perhaps with a verbal openness but with a look but don’t touch clause. Conventional relationship ideals may claim this is ludicrous, but think of the structure of a family. Does the arrival of baby number two mean that suddenly baby number one is getting tossed aside?While that does make logical sense, love knows not of logic, and as fate would have it monogamous and non-monogamous people can and frequently do find themselves involved, in love, and in relationships. Similarly, perhaps an ordinarily monogamous partner will test and stretch their limits, agreeing to a mostly monogamous relationship with a swingers party here or a threesome there on occasion. Imagine a mother saying to her five year old, “I’m sorry, but I can only be mother to one child at a time.Trust that even as a secondary or tertiary lover, you are still cared for and respected.Not to knock the merits or challenges of monogamy, but where time management, jealousy and trust are concerned, non-monogamous folk have a bit of a fuller plate, if I must say so myself.