I had to approach her ADHD doctor and tell her what was really going on.
They put on a very good outside face and they’re very horrible to people inside their family that are burdening them.
It’s a complex decision and I think it helps to separate the decision to end your marriage from how to end your marriage.
Deciding on the how, will be easier once you’ve reached the point of truly believing that divorce is the best option for you.
In getting to your decision, it’s always helpful to learn as much as you can about your spouse’s condition – typical symptoms, treatment, on-going concerns and long-term prognosis.
This will help you formulate a picture of what the future holds and understand the possibilities for change.
It often involves first helping to get your spouse properly diagnosed and treated, and then figuring out the logistics of separating while also coming to terms with emotions of leaving someone who is sick.One of my readers, “Jeff” is married with two young sons. For Jeff, the marriage is over but he feels unable to leave until his wife is somewhat self-sufficient.In the meantime he tries to stay actively involved in her care although that has its challenges. Because of her mental illness I’m the sole provider financially, but I’m also the primary emotional provider for our sons.Now that she’s better again or trying to be or whatever you want to call it, I can’t release and trust her again, because if she does hurt me again, I won’t have anything to pick myself up with. No matter what she does, I have that promise to myself.I’ve had to really try hard to stick myself to that promise and she’s actually helped me keep it by being worse.I’m not going to do anything with you until you get a job.”I draw lines. She asks for intimacy and closeness and I say, “Okay, you need to give me what I need first. I think there’s enormous social pressure and guilt involved in deciding to end your marriage to someone who’s physically or mentally ill.Part of that comes from the traditional wedding vows, “in sickness and in health” and part comes from a fear of others judging you which is often rooted in them not understanding what it’s really like to live with the illness.When I talk to her physician, she’s not in the room and there isn’t a privacy issue because I approach them and say, “I’m in the middle of this. I’m telling you everything and you benefit from it in any way you want. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what to do.”It was to a point of desperation, actually.Unfortunately, when you’re the spouse it’s a lot different than more distance family.Many divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn’t work in the marriage – only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. It can be a mistake to assume your spouse has your best interests at heart during the divorce. I’m not suggesting you act out of anger, but you may be hurt and disappointed if you assume everything will be divided without anger and that you’ll remain close friends.Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak. It’s better to expect anger, but try not to react to it.